Tanqueray Me, Babe

Epitaph: Drank, smoked, fucked, fought, wrote it down, regretted naught


The history of film in one scene

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23 Poems I’ll Never Finish

By Age One I Could Talk, but I’ve Never Learned to Shut the Fuck Up

There Are Two Things in Life that I Love More Than Sex: Beer and Pizza

Three Beers, A Pizza And Sex Will Never Quite Make You Forget How Lonely You Are

I Won My First Fight at Age Four, and That’s When I Learned That it Doesn’t Matter How Big They Are if You Bite Hard Enough

There Are Five Suits Hanging in My Closet So That When I Finally Lose a Fight People Won’t Know Which One to Bury Me In

I’v Always Been a Fucker, That’s Why I Owe $6 to Key Bank, and They Can Collect When I’m Dead

Collections Called 7 Times Last Week, So I Set Their Ringtone to Lady Gaga Because We Got a Bad Romance

I Think About Breaking Up With My Girlfriend Approximately 8 Times a Day Because I Have 8 Times as Much Fear of Commitment As The Average TurtleDove. I’m Not Sure If TurtleDoves Are Truly Cowards, I Just Want to Pretend I Have Kinship With Another Living Creature

9 Lies I Wish I Could Tell My Girlfriend Starting With: Not All Men.

I’ve Written That Poem At Least Ten Times and I’m Still Not Sure Which Men to Worry About. Sometimes It’s Hard for Me To Know When I’m Part of the Problem Because Sexism Insulates Me From the Consequences, and Privilege Is Hard to Navigate Graciously

I’m 11% Certain That I Won’t Be the One Who Breaks My Girlfriend’s Heart, But I Failed My Junior Probabilities Exam So I’m Pretty Confused About Our Chances

I’m Pretty Sure that My Mom Gave Up on Me at Age 12 When I Came Home Wearing Eyeliner and My HomeGirl Brittany’s Jeans

Age 13 Was A Bad Year For All of Us and We Are All In Recovery from Middle School

14 Is A Good Year to Lose Your Virginity Because by Age 17 You Won’t be So Shy Anymore. You Still Won’t Fuck Like a Porn Star

I railed 15 Lines of Coke The Other Night so I skipped 16 Because Maybe There is a Freight Train Running Through My Living Room. It’s All a Bit Shaky Right Now

18 Oxy Wasn’t Enough to Kill Me Because I Coughed Them Up, And Sometimes I Tend to Romanticize Death Because It Seems Easier, and Perhaps If I Knew the Question I’d Have an Answer

I Learned to Walk at 2 and By 19 All I Knew How to Do Was Run. I’m Still Waiting For My Courage to Catch Up With My Guilt

There Are At Least 20 Empty Bottles In My Apartment Right Now and I Don’t Think I Found What I’m Looking for But I’m Still Thirsty

Since 21 I Haven’t Written a Poem Without Alcohol, But I Have Lost My 6 Pack

There Are 22 Reasons Why I’m Afraid to Date White Girls and They Start with the Words “So Where are You From?” As If I Don’t Know Where I Came From, but It’s Hard Enough To Write About Depression and Sexism with Nuance So Maybe I Won’t Touch Racism Yet

23 Years Is Too Much For Me And I’m Not Always Sure I Want To Make It, and My Narcissism and Self Loathing Is Unrivaled,
But I’m Still Here and I Still Haven’t Learned to Shut the Fuck Up, but Sometimes I Can Stand Still, And It’s Not So Bad And So Maybe 24 Will Have Some Finished Poems

So for my birthday this year I would just like not to happen


I haven’t posted a selfie in a while but I still am very cute just to keep you updated

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Drop a “If I were dating you…” In my ask. Anon or not.

(Source: plurvenchy, via butifloveisagame)

i’m sad and i want to have a lot of sex

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Hello crippling insecurity and relationship trust issues, you’ve been sorely missed




this was the greatest joke I have ever heard

(Source: sizvideos, via edgarallenwhore)


john oliver is really not fucking around 

(Source: sandandglass, via so-not-that-cool)